Looking Back…

Life is all about risk and a little bit of luck, that, and making good decisions. There is so many things that I would do differently if I had re-dos or a time machine. There are so many things that I did that even normal people who get in trouble will never experience. I have done so many things wrong and it seems like with every one thing you do it takes 2 more to make the situation better. I look back and realize how much of a idiot that I was sometimes. Although with a big transition by moving to my dads, I wouldn’t have ever been in this situation. This situation meaning me sitting here and typing this. There is a really good chance that I wouldn’t have switched schools a couple times and landed at Green Mountain High School. Never would have met my best friends Sean and Alex, never would have met some of the most influential people in my life other than myself. There are so many feelings that I have after meeting these people. Friendship is what I have for my two Best friends. They are literally my life. They take up some of my heart man. I mean really no one gets more of me than they do. They are just there for me. Through the thick, thin, to listen, advice, to listen to, to share. Everything they are just amazing kids. They aren’t usually trouble makers but of course like most teens there are some hairy situations that we all get in. As far girlfriends go, I haven’t had a lot over the course of high school. Although there is one. Her name is Korlyn. The feelings that I had for her was the feeling where you just want to be with that person; Like you could be doing the most stupid stuff but you both are just so happy because you are together. The feeling that you always have butterflies and there is always a smile on my face. When I say anything to her I really meant it. There really isn’t a word to describe how much I cared for her. I wouldn’t want to break up with her ever. They day she can find a tear in the ocean would probably be the day. But now it’s all over. There is nothing more between us other than just straight friends. I honestly have never really gotten to know a girl that well before. I knew practically everything about her for the most part. Her likes to dislikes to past to future dreams. I have always been really shy and was never the “cute” guy that girls liked and I went out with all the ugly girls (says everyone but me at the time) and stuff. I have always had the lowest self-esteem from saying that I want to die on art projects in elementary school, to saying that I can’t do anything, constantly crying over little stuff. Then I met Korlyn and I felt like I could be myself. I have told so many lies to some of my past girlfriends. But to her, I tried to be 100% honest with all the time. My feelings towards Korlyn are not something most people come by everyday. Not something that just comes and goes over a night. I would say that the only logical explanation was love. But what is love? I have struggled with this question forever. I have found by myself it to be something like this:

 

Love, is something that cannot be defined or explained in a certain way. It is something that no one can take. But they can twist things and make it break. It is not broken easily with a mature open relationship though. Although when you lose a true love it seems like they took some of your heart with them. I can say that I haven’t had many relationships in my life, and it seems like the ones that mean the most to me is the ones that I screw up the most in. Why is this? I would say it’s because your heart tells you something but your brain another. Resulting in non clear thinking making you screw up (My analogy of this is when people turn to Jello when they are around certain people). A study found that 80% of Americans say that they love someone everyday but only 65% say that they honestly think they mean it when they say it. It’s ironic now that people get married saying that they will be together forever and that even in sickness and health good or bad they will fight for their love, help each other. Now, is that why we have twice as many divorces and we did 5 years ago? When I say: I love you I try to mean it. I mean that I would do anything for you that I would take bullets for you to save your life, much like the secret service for the president. I would put you first, I care about you. Love is to me when I constantly think about a person and can’t stop. I think about them from the moment I wake up ‘till the moment that I’m asleep. That I just want to be with that person, have them close to me; have them be there for me. That’s what love is to me.

 

The bible says that the tongue can control people. Its words can be great or they can cut deep to the soul. It can bring full grown men to their knees crying out. But yet it’s the same thing that we praise God with? I try to say what I mean and mean what I say. But sometimes it’s just so hard.

 

I have to say that I missed out on 2 years of my life. Not many of my friends know what I’m talking about, but for the ones that do, they know its pretty serious. I just got my life back after a long hard battle. Physically and mentally, I’m just glad I had some people there along the way. I’m at the end of a tunnel looking into the light after 2 years of darkness. And all I want are my friends, and one other person (It’s a she and no it’s not Korlyn) right there with me. I’m in the dark of the tunnel without all of them.

 

I could tell you fairytale stories all day long but in the long run this is real life. But there are such things as happily ever after and true love. It’s just hard to come by and hard to get there. I just want a fair chance with the princess and kings to prove I can be a great guy too. Do kings of Christ rock crowns in crowds for what? Nothing. They don’t need to show off what they have. They just have to be themselves, nothing more nothing less. As for my opinion, I have done everything possible to move on from my past. I used to feel like I’m alone in this world just to live life by myself. I have since left that feeling and am now just living life. I guess I try to live life like it comes. I try and walk like a soldier, walk how I talk, regret nothing, don’t take anything you don’t want to hear from anyone. Honestly. I started telling my friends to push me around when they wanted, but I also told them that I was going to fight back. My life seems to be lifting as I come more into the light. The weight of the world as some people call it, is just lifting of my shoulders. Just to say this simply. Walking in the light is better (and easier) than walking in the dark. Like when you are in the dark what can you see? Nothing, and when you can its blurry and everything is scarier. There are shadows, things lurking, its harder. So walking in the light is a way better way to go. You can see where you are going, and where you want to go. There aren’t surprises and you don’t have to live in fear.

 

Also check out some of my other blogs/papers such as Goodbyes, Life. And if you want to check out your status in my life, Check out “500” for my life goals, character traits, friends, music and history that has happened in my lifetime.

 

Peace out

 

Angel ~ Aka Jay Parker

~ by skater1191 on April 16, 2008.